Technology is Holding My Baby Hostage


Today puts me at 39 weeks, and one day pregnant.

If you haven’t ever been pregnant, you have no idea what it means to be the size of a whale with the bladder of a hog nose bat (I googled the world’s smallest bladder).  Your experience does not include the sensation of having a squirming bowling ball pound on your pelvis, scrape your insides manically with a dagger (no clue how she found it) and punch your ribs… all before 8am.  Month long charlie horse in your vagina? Nope, you have no clue. You haven’t watched your body change from a sacred vessel to a foul smelling, always excreting, disgust-machine.  Your being hasn’t encountered what it’s like to watch yourself turn into a monster and not be able to do one thing about it. Every nasty body function once lovingly spared from your partner is now dissected and discussed at length.   While enduring this nightmare, people still expect you to smile and talk about how phenomenal everything is.  Your sans-kids friends lovingly send messages, “When will baby be here?? What is she waiting for??” And you laugh and make a fun joke about it, while silently wanting to throw a sharpened pencil in their eye.  If you haven’t been pregnant YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!

I know babies are a blessing. I am also well aware being pregnant is the most amazing miracle a woman (who chooses) goes through. My daughter is a ray of sunshine, my reason for existence and I thank God for her every day.  But today is taking a moment to talk about the crap part of the baby making ride.

Today marks the second day of waking up at 5:30am to get ready for my scheduled induction.  For those of you who are blissfully unaware due to aforementioned lack of belly seed, it means “project move baby”.  Throughout history, women have been using their grandmothers remedies to induce labor.  Moms in anguish are choking down castor oil, having uncomfortable sex, and binging on pineapple as I type this.   Eventually the medical community found a way to safely induce babies who get too comfortable, and encourage them to meet their overzealous parents.

So, here we are. My second day with my appointment to induce, and guess what? Cancelled. Again.  Turns out, when too many moms naturally go into labor, those of us with our organized, perfect baby schedules are forced to change our plans. There are no words to express the amount of frustration of being told, “Nope, your baby is not welcome today”.  I want to scream. I want to fling poo on every person standing in the way of letting me meet my child.  I want to strangle someone, eat a piece of pie, cry and buy a new handbag.  All in the same 5 minutes.  But what do I do? Absolutely nothing.  I smile and tell Sandy (the head nurse I am on a first name basis with), “No problem, I understand”.   I get off the phone, tell everyone it is fine, and make plans to go look at reef sharks at the Legoland Aquarium.  I chide my husband for getting upset, and tell him to calm down.  I text everyone rooting for us, and say, “Guess what? Not today!”  I tell myself, and everyone around me, “No biggie! Its just a day or two”, then insert some type of cliche about one day in the scope of time or some other crap cliche that no one, least of all me, believes.

Technology has spoiled me.  Technology gave me a false sense of certainty in an area believed to be the antihesis of certain.  When I found out baby wasn’t coming this morning I went to my office to write.. hoping that this post would help me see the silliness of my disappointment and help put things in perspective.

Maybe, just maybe, all this technology is too much for us and we should return to Grandmother’s old remedies and patience.  Maybe we have too much information at our fingertips and too much power.  Who knows how this will turn out?  I keep trying to send baby messages telepathically… “Come out, lets show those hospital bitches they can’t say no to us!! We will push our way into the hospital and show all of them!!” Other expectant mothers are singing songs hoping to soothe their unborn child. I am coaching mine to kick ass and take names from the womb.

I have no doubt she will be an ass kicker.. but for now I will have to wait and see.  In the meantime I am going to walk the aquarium, eat an entire pineapple, and do my best to keep smiling.   After all, whats another day or two?


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5 thoughts on “Technology is Holding My Baby Hostage

  1. Kelly Greene on said:

    Love this post!! Thinking of you- good luck, darlin’!! Sending love,
    xoxo The Greene fam 🙂

  2. wynne foote on said:

    I have been thinking of you all day. Two longest days of you live. Hope tomorrow is the day

  3. Cervantes on said:

    Get all the sleep you can. Be proud of yourself. You are doing an amazing thing.

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