Where did the sexy go??


My last blog was a vent session about being too pregnant.  That night I was able to go into the hospital and have our daughter, Michaela!!

Now a month later, I have grossly neglected our ranchandsyrup and am back.  Originally I wanted my first post back to be a fun tip… perhaps a cool anecdote about something non child related, since everyone would be expecting mommy talk.  Unfortunately my mind is on little people, and while on maternity leave my encounters with adult topics are somewhat minimal. Sorry.

Mike and I have been joking about the running dialog in our home and how statements once considered HOT and sexy are now desexualized and normal, mundane sayings.

A few examples:

“Do you think I should stimulate my nipples?”

–          I said this, while pregnant.   Apparently stimulating one’s own nipples helps to kick-start labor. Who knew?? Mike kindly offered to do it for me…

“I haven’t tried a strap on yet. But I think I will start soon”

–          Talking to a girlfriend about how our newborn likes to snuggle.  She mentioned she always had her baby in the wearable holders around the house to keep him close.

“She is doing a great job of sucking, I am impressed!”

–           Michaela’s  amazing ability to latch on and drink a bunch of milk

“My boobs are so huge… look at them!!” and, “Wow, I’m really engorged”

–          Both referring to how ridiculous I looked when my milk came in…

“Can I just wear a blanket and no panties or clothes?”

–          Our three-year old, and her refusal to wear clothes around the house

“You can’t play until you put some underwear on”

–          Mike, explaining to our toddler she MUST wear panties

“Whoa, I’m exhausted, last night was CRAZY. My nipples are killing me!”

–          After a long night of cluster feeding our newborn

“I just want to wear nothing to bed, take off all my clothes and wear nothing!!”

–          Me, wishing I could quit wearing a sports bra, and those nasty breast pads to bed every night

UGH, where did the sexy end and TMI became the regular???

As if our sexy statements aren’t enough, Mike and I have come to some interesting realizations:

– At this point, our garbage can is over 50% poop.  Between 3 dogs, a newborn and an occasional accident from our toddler, we have mostly poop in our garbage can.  We also spend much more time than the average person cleaning up poop.

– As if this wasn’t disgusting enough, poop is a huge topic in our home and apparently something to be celebrated.  If everyone poops where they are supposed to, I consider our day to be a great success.

-I buy almost all of my clothes in one of two places: Online or Target.  This is not because I want to, my life just necessitates it.  If Nordstrom would allow grocery carts and sell diapers, milk and laundry detergent, I would gladly spend all of my money there instead.

– Drinking wine at 4 p.m. makes complete sense, and is the most rational time to drink alcohol. This is not because I want to get an early start on a wild night — I need to be done by 6 p.m., sober and well rested for the midnight feeding ritual.

– Our DVR queue is almost maxed out.  Why?

  1. Our toddler’s horrible shows we swore as non-parents we wouldn’t have are recorded daily. If you aren’t a parent, you have no idea how important these shows are to your sanity
  2. Our series of adult shows are now entire seasons because we are too tired to watch them by the time we are in bed.

– Our taste for “kid friendly” food never went away, just patiently waited dormant for an excuse to come back.  Macaroni and Cheese, goldfish and fruit snacks are eaten by us as much as our toddler. Further, when she moves past a snack, I continue buying it because either Mike or I is still eating it and I never noticed she is no longer interested.

I could go on….

But I won’t. Not today.  After all, I only have a small window of time before the newborn is done sleeping, the toddler is bored with her annoying show, and the bottle of wine is done.

The craziest part? I can say, without hesitation, that I have never been happier. I am so ridiculously pleased with the aforementioned chaos, I can’t believe it. Who would have guessed it??

Xo Mari


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2 thoughts on “Where did the sexy go??

  1. This is the perfect description of parenthood!!!! I was just telling Joey the other day while cleaning out garbage cans that they are all full of dirty diapers & nothing else! We will never be able to go anywhere without taking half of our house with us & we will never be on time for anything again! The only form of conversation is baby talk with high pitched tones. It truely is perfect and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world 🙂

  2. Megan Smolin on said:

    HAHAHA Marianne you are HILARIOUS!! I just about died reading this!! Love you and your openness. I should warn Jamie now about what our future holds LOL

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