ranchandsyrup

The dirtiest girl in town

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Nasty. Dirty. Smelly.

AKA, my daughter.

My friends, the books — everyone talks about the terrible twos. Bailey wasn’t terrible in her twos. But turning three.  Good Lord, what happened?

Almost overnight my precious angel has turned into a disgusting human being. Out of nowhere she is gross.  And clumsy.  She is so damn accident prone, my heart can’t take it. I try not to drink wine every day but it is virtually impossible with all the foul germs and accidents.

She has bad breath in the morning. She farts constantly. Her poop stinks. She has dried pee down her leg most days.  She gets boogers and thinks it’s funny to wipe them on me. She almost always has dirt under her nails. Even worse, she seems to delight in her repulsiveness.  She laughs every time her ass expels a nasty toot.  She is tickled with booger flinging, and thinks it’s hilarious to make me cringe.  I think she likes completely grossing me out.

I just don’t get it. She always smelled so delicious. She was meticulously clean and looked perfect (almost always).  Now, I have to tell her she stinks and to go away.  I have to tell her to wash her hands, to wipe…. to WIPE again, to wash her hands again — with soap.  She likes filthy stuff. She loves to throw dirty leaves in the air, to play in the mud and then suck on her fingers.

Today she sheepishly admitted she peed everywhere. I told her it was fine, thinking she was exaggerating. She wasn’t.  I casually glanced at her bathroom as I was walking down the hallway and something was amiss.  Upon closer inspection I realized her stool to get her to the potty was covered in pee.  I brought the bleach in and cleaned the stool thinking no big deal.  Then I picked up her princess potty to wipe the seat, and pee poured out the sides like it was a pitcher of iced tea.  Pee splattered everywhere — the toilet, the white rug, even in the grout of the tile. The best part was the combinations of old pee versus new pee. I had no idea there was a reservoir catching pee in her princess seat so when I picked it up various vintages of aged pee splashed liked waves onto me and the floor.

My only glimpse at my little lady is the fact she insists on wearing dresses every day.  In addition, she is the cutest dancer on the planet (I am completely unbiased). She dances to just about anything and when she is in her leotard and matching skirt and tights for dance class my heart swells.  In her dance outfit, one would never guess how repulsive she is(Headlining picture).

I can’t wait to tell her how disgusting she was later in life.  When she hits her teens and spends hours applying makeup and obsessing over outfits I am going to unleash the stories.  Until then, I will keep chasing her with hand sanitizer and hope the germs are making her tough!

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