The Watergun

I fantasize about my own watergun.  I used to fantasize about Fendi bags.

It began as a passing thought, right after Bailey was born (she is 3).  The first day we brought her home from the hospital I thought our dogs would magically turn into wise canines sensing their newfound responsibilites. I thought they would quit barking at Jesus (my term for every bark that does not accompany an actual reason), and know there was a baby in the house. I also assumed the pooping in the house would cease, getting into cabinets would dissolve, and our middle dog’s lack of consideration for anyone but herself would evolve.  Without answering, you know the answer.  After all they are dogs 🙂 Needless to say their shortcomings did not disappear, however my tolerance level did.  One afternoon when I was putting down Bailey our dogs began barking at Jesus.  That moment, my watergun fantasty sprouted.  I dreamed of an almighty watergun I could shoot with one of those tracker style shooters. I don’t actually know what they are called, but the bullet that can find its opponent- My watergun would weave through the hallway and hit each dog squarely on their furry forehead. PEW PEW PEW! (say it outloud, it sounds better). They would be shocked! Stop barking! Bailey would sleep! I am the HERO!!

Since my first day dream of the watergun it has become my “Calgon take me away” place.  I think about my watergun a lot.  At least once per day, sometimes 2-3 times.  I have mentioned it to Mike in passing but until he reads this I don’t think he is aware of how much my imaginary watergun has taken over.  

Now that we have a newborn and a toddler and 3 dogs, my water gun has begun to take shape.  I know what it looks like, and how I look with it.  If I could draw like Allie Brosh, I would attach a drawing, but I am not as talented as her, and her fans would say I was a copycat(Read her book.. Hyperbole and a Half-You or check out her blog of the same name you will laugh and cry, and love her. I wish she was my friend. I wish I even knew her!!)

This is how I feel with my water gun:


This is how I look when I have my water gun(Accompanied by “Raise Your Weapon, Deadmau5):


My water gun isn’t a super soaker.  It is more of the single spray, but a powerful single shot.  It’s pink, and very small, similar to the old style water guns you could get for about a dollar.


I would be lying if I said my water gun dream doesn’t unleash her fury on Bailey.  When I am putting our newborn to sleep and Bailey bursts in yelling “MOMMA, I want Play Doh! Carrot Juice! My choans are wet (underwear)! Can I have cheesy crackers??? MOMMA?? MOM? MOMMY? MOOOOOMMMMMM??? HI.” My water gun bursts in to my conscious. PEW…… PEW! Water. And Bailey would quietly back up like Kool Aid Man….


We recently began keeping the dogs downstairs at night, and they are adjusting somewhat well. However, every morning they begin barking around 6am. They know it is about time to be fed, followed by morning cuddles and they want it to begin.  Their morning bark typically wakes me up, and sometimes our toddler.  Every morning, I fantasize about sitting at the top of my stairs with my watergun. Sometimes, my rational brain takes over and explains to my Calgon brain that now there is water all over the floor and I never actually sprayed a dog.  Luckily, Calgon brain silences rational and reminds me of our water tracking device.  It calms me. 

I’m not sure how normal my water gun fantasy is, but it sure helps me.

During the holidays, don’t forget to indulge your “water gun”.. whatever it is!

Best, Mari 



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