Us. Sometimes we will battle, sometimes we won’t. Hopefully, you will find us mildly entertaining.
This is a true story about my friend Sally. Not an ambiguous friend, but one of my closest friends. Sally was really nice to Bob, the Director of her company. He asked that she travel to all superfluous activities he attended. She complied. For two years, she dealt with his idiosyncrasies, sacrificed all of her spare time, and ultimately her marriage. Bob was three times divorced, 20 years older, and understood how difficult a break up could be. He showed her kindness, however continued to request her attendance everywhere he traveled.
During her reign, she spent evenings and weekends attending events, ensuring Bob was pleased with her performance. He was in awe, obviously, and chose to make specific trips to Southern California, to spend more time in market. Recently, Sally let him know, in confidence, she was planning to quit. His response? ” Great! Now, pesky Human Resources is no longer an issue”, and attempted to kiss her. She rebuffed his advances, and explained she thought of him as a friend, or even a father figure. He assured her, he could sexually satisfy her, and in detail, explained how he could make her orgasm. Aghast, Sally reiterated she was not interested. For some reason, he “read her wrong:”, and knew they “had a connection”. “Didn’t she feel it?” Sally didn’t feel it. She thought of him as a client, a boss, perhaps someone who understood divorce. She tried to explain they did not have a connection, and he continued to pursue her throughout the evening.
When she realized “no” would not be acceptable, she chose a different tactic.. Sally told him, “You are right. I would like to have sex with you, but I need to tell you what I am into”….
Sally told Bob,“ I need to tie you up, blindfold, whip, and handcuff you, then, fuck you from behind” She further asserted, “ It’s the only way I orgasm, so if this isn’t OK with you, I can’t waste my time”. She watched him change from the dictator, to a man who was trying to figure out if her perimeter was within reach. He tried to reckon with her…..”what it I go down on you, and make you come?” She explained the only way she was able to come was the above. After careful thought, he realized he was not the man that was able to meet her needs. He was mortified, and emasculated. She left him in the restaurant, with the understanding he was not adventurous enough to keep up with her.
Our friend Sally has not done any of the above. However, 50 shades of gray gave her ideas, in a pinch!! Sally told me, “This man used his power to harass me. Instead of being a victim, I decided to make him really uncomfortable.” She would have never come up with the idea unless 50 shades would have reared its horribly irreverent literary head. This man found out he wasn’t “man enough” to satisfy Sally. His thoughts on sex were squashed quickly, leaving him ill equipped. I will praise 50 shades for this.
I was really excited to read Fifty Shades. I love erotic fiction. Deciding to be a literature major, and realizing law school wasn’t my place, I looked for other arenas. I never wanted to be a teacher, and didn’t want to be an attorney. I will leave the fighting occupation to Mike. However, I have always enjoyed erotic literature, and have the luxury of meeting others who agree.
Anais Nin would be annoyed, and laugh, by the fifty shades epidemic. Anais Nin would also want to know her, and laugh with her, as they watch the female audience devour all that is the newest mommy porn, deemed acceptable at Target.
Fifty shades is the worst literature representation a woman can read; however, there is a caveat.
E. L James never tried to be anything but fan fiction. She never touted herself as a literary mogul. In fact, she is shocked by the attention she is getting. She self published her writing due to public demand for it.
I think it is awesome many women are finding their sexuality awakened. Would I have picked a different author, and story? Absolutely. Nonetheless, a woman finding an area that awakens her, and empowers her to be a sexual goddess, cannot be denied.
Last week, I was in the Hustler store, shopping for…err… bachelorette party supplies- Obviously 😉 I met a fantastic, knowledgeable sales rep, who was a bit bored, and very chatty. I motioned to the 50 shades display, and asked her if the books and the housewives were driving her crazy. I also asked her if she had read the books. She laughed, and gave me an entirely different perspective. She explained she usually spends her day peddling vibrators, and is thrilled to have a break from the titillating movie section touting Edward Penis Hands and Shaving Private Ryan. She can spot a 50 shades customer the moment they walk in. A bit lost, trying to look comfortable and not ill at ease. They are always roaming downstairs, not realizing the sex toys are upstairs. She admits, some of her coworkers aren’t as willing to work with the 50 Shades customers, but she loves them. She scoops them up like strays, and nurses them into a life of whips, chains, nipple clamps and steel balls. She loves watching their eyes light up, to listen to them gush about how embarrassed they were to come in, and enjoys the thanks and admiration of her “profession”. She said some women hug her before they leave. And no, she hasn’t read the books… she said they are a bit too Vanilla for her, she likes a more graphic read.