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Archive for the tag “poop”

Who Pooped In The Tub ?

Monday is bath night for our girls.

Bath nights are every other night and the kids get their hair washed, body scrubbed and are allowed to play with the obligatory toys cluttering my once pristine bathtub.  The whole process takes about 20-40 minutes depending on who is in charge.  Dad is infinitely quicker but his attention to detail does not compare with mom 😉 .

It’s easy right?

Some nights Mike and I choose to make the girls their dinner first then eat after they are in bed.  We are at our limit of Mac n Cheese and Turkey Dogs(never thought it would happen).  Plus not shovelling food in and having a conversation is a nice break from the chaos of full family dinner. Mike was planning to BBQ spicy sausage mixed with Caribbean Rice – Delish! Neither kiddo would be impressed so we went with the “kids before parent’s plan.”

They ate their turkey dogs. Drank their applesauce pouch. Sipped Chocolate milk. Refused veggies.  Bath Time!

What could go wrong? After all we are pros at our nightly ritual.

Mike and I put the girls in the bathtub and launched into auto pilot.  Both little people are clean and Mike pulls out Michaela (our 1.5 year old) and gets her ready for bed.  While lotioning Michaela, Bailey(4.5 year old) starts screaming. “There is POOOOOOP in the tub! Mom?!! Come quick there is poop in the tub!!!”

There is a large deuce floating in the tub. A colon cobra slithering in the sudsy jungle.  One ominous brown floater sashaying its way through the bubbles and toys.  It was chasing Bailey. I was sure of it.  She squealed and bounded out of the bathtub.

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I have heard of this. I know it happens. I just didn’t think it would happen to us.  On house keeper day. My freaking bathtub is finally clean and there is a sphincter spear hovering.

Dry Vomit first.

Then move to success driven execution. Both girls are hustled to the shower.  We repeat cleaning measures. Actually we doubled up on cleaning measures.

Then the bathtub. There are bubbles everywhere.  I have to push bubbles aside to find the turd and scoop it out with a bag. Then I bleached. And bleached.  What about the bath toys? Are they safe?  My germ paranoia was sliding off the Richter scale and visions of poop contamination were taking over.

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Just when my crazy thought train was chugging out of control Bailey interrupted my thoughts.

“Guys, I can’t believe Lucy or Elway thought my bathtub was the toilet! Bad Puppies!”

Bailey actually believed one of our dogs pooped in her bathtub(Logistics?).  I can’t handle it. I laugh until I snort. There is no way we will ever tell her that her sister pooped while in the bath with her.  Bailey was so annoyed the dogs got confused and pooped in HER bathtub.  If she knew it was Michaela….. well I just don’t know how that would go.

The bathtub is disinfected. The kids are clean. The dogs have been reprimanded in front of Bailey(and given cookies for not telling after she went to bed).

Just another Monday.

UPDATE…. Tuesday, 7:45am

As I was proofing this to post Bailey interrupted me.

“Mom next time it is bath night can I just take a shower?”

So this happened today.

Typically I don’t post/write on the weekends.  However in honor of Mother’s Day my nonfiction story needed to be told.  As with my last post on the follies of motherhood this blog applies to everyone.  Feel free to laugh, shake your head knowingly or simply cringe at the thought. Whichever emotion my blog elicits, enjoy.

Yesterday morning I got my hair highlighted and cut.  Relaxed, blonde and happy I returned home to find flowers from Mike and an adorable card from Bailey(our toddler).  While I was gone Mike and the girls had gone grocery shopping and planned breakfast and dinner for Mother’s Day. Further, Mike asked me what he could do to make Mother’s Day awesome for me.  I told him to just take the girls in the morning so I could sleep in.  Done and done.

Around 6:30 a.m. our baby awoke and was giggling in her crib.  Mike wasn’t quite awake so I jumped up to get her for snuggles and a quick diaper change.  As I went to change Michaela I sensed something was off… she was holding on to a gooey wad and it seemed to be all over her; in her hair, her onesie, even smeared on her face- what was that?? It looked familiar and smelled familiar but I just couldn’t quite place it. All of a sudden my groggy mind clicked into place and I recognized what the squishy clear balls were.  My heart sank as I quickly surmised her diaper must have been faulty.  It had emptied the contents of the absorbing gel typically sealed inside the crotch of a diaper all over her body.

For those of you lucky enough to not know what I am talking about here is a visual of what the gel beads look like:

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This is the amount in one diaper:

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Michaela was playing with it.  She was smearing it.  She was covered and playing with urine filled gel balls UGHHHHHHH. I yelled for Mike,”Babe we have a pee situation. I neeeeeed you. Quick!” Mike came stumbling down the hallway and didn’t miss a beat.  He started a bath while I attempted to peel the urine soaked onesie  and the remnants of the diaper off Mich.  Did I mention the poop? Yep. Amidst all of this she had pooped and I hadn’t noticed. Now I have a naked, gel covered, poop smeared baby.  I step backward in shock and my foot sinks into the squishy gel balls that are now all over the floor. I look down and I am covered in miniscule urine droplets.

It was 6:45 a.m.

I take all the dirty blankets downstairs and shake them in the backyard only to realize I had stepped in fresh dog pee. Sigh. I wiped my foot with the soiled blanket while our Maltese walked through the puddle and happily trotted back in the house leaving pee pee paw prints.

By 7:30am I was showered and back in bed with a clean baby, cuddly toddler and sheepish husband.  Mike kept apologizing, saying he just wanted to me to sleep in and relax.  I just laughed and snuggled in with my favorite people.  By 8 a.m. Mike had both girls playing downstairs and I sipped delivered coffee while perusing facebook.  I knew I was supposed to sleep but the sounds of a dance party and giggles downstairs were beckoning me to join. The best part about being a mom are the moments not intended to be awesome.  Listening to Mike play DJ to Bailey’s favorite songs and hearing the shrieks of laughter from both the girls and Mike is the best gift I could ever receive.  My heart was exploding just thinking of the fun happening downstairs and there was no way I could sleep through it. Just then Bailey came upstairs to find me and asked me to help her find clean “pony choanies” ( our term for my little pony themed underwear). I told her I didn’t have to because it’s Mothers day.  She looked at me and said,” But mommy who is going to make dinner??”

9ish a.m.??

Michaela was ready for her morning nap and Bailey and Mike were downstairs making me French Toast.  I took Mich to her nursery and remembered the bedding was gone. Oops. I quickly changed her crib, fed and changed her so she could sleep.  By the time I got downstairs the tired protests from a too tired baby were waning and the delicious smells of bacon and french toast were wafting through the air.

Happily I walked into the kitchen to see my phenomenal husband flipping french toast with Bailey stirring the egg mixture.  I planned to sit down and begin sending notes to my favorite mom friends and glanced at the video monitor to ensure a sleeping baby.

Instead, I saw this:

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O.M.G.  What is my 6.5 month old baby doing standing up??? When did this happen? Shocked, I yelled to Mike to look at the screen while simultaneously telling Bailey to not spill on her new dress.  At precisely this moment Bailey dumped the majority of the french toast mixture down the front of her, completely soaking her new dress. The sticky, eggy mess sunk into the hardwood floor and coated the snouts of my dogs licking it up.  Bailey lost her shit and started screaming.  Michaela was standing in her crib.  Bacon was sizzling in the oven.  The french toast smelled amazing and my dogs were thrilled with the taste of their face fur.

10 AM

Bailey was no longer crying and Michaela was sleeping soundly.  Bribed with the promise of another mini my little pony she happily ate all of her french toast.  Mike made me another cup of coffee and apologized again saying, “I tried so hard to make this morning just right for you.”  He made it more than just right.  He made it perfect.

Mother’s Day is a day to appreciate the mothers in one’s life.  It does not mean that chaos won’t ensue.  It does not mean the day will run smooth.  It just means you are loved and admired.

Happy Mothers day to our phenomenal mom readers!

 

Kids and dogs get in the way.

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Last week our second child turned 6 months old. So we have a 6 month old, a 3 1/2 year old and two dogs(see this post about downsizing for why we have two, rather than three). It is a full house and it completely gets in the way of being efficient.

Last night Mike took the dogs with him to pick up burritos and both of the girls fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it. I am alone. With the opportunity to do anything, I chose making the bed and a glass of wine. I forgot how easy making the bed is without a frisky puppy and an overzealous toddler playing parachute with each layer.  In the few moments of glorious silence my mind began to think about how time consuming and arduous the simplest tasks are.  Activities I used to take for granted now require organization and planning.  Whether you have children, aspire to do so, or just relish in the fact you will always be responsibility free I put together a list anyone can appreciate.

At Home:

1. Going to the bathroom. I never thought I would be the kind of girl who left the bathroom door open. With kids and dogs it is a necessity. Recently I closed the door and Lucy (our Maltese) started scratching within seconds, Bailey (our toddler) started banging on the door asking where I was and why I closed the door.

2. Heightened interest in bodily functions. Furthering #1 my home has become an “elimination check in”.  As if having dogs and kids in the bathroom with you isn’t bad enough, Bailey insists on knowing what type of excretion I am leaving. “Mommy, are you pooping or peeing or both? Let me see!!” If I blow my nose, “Mommy, did you have boogers”? The inquisition does not stop at me.  Bailey wants me to know when she poops, when Daddy poops, and checks to see if our baby has pooped or peed. It is mortifying and disgusting. Lately she has turned to the “tooting” (our acceptable word for ripping ass) inquisition and calls out anyone who discreetly passes gas.  Yesterday she told our neighbor that I am stinky and toot all the time.  Shameful.

3. Laundry. When Bailey turned 3 the multiple outfit changes began. She prefers to change her underwear after every bathroom visit and an entire ensemble change is necessary at least twice per day. Couple that with baby Michaela’s drool ridden onesies and we have a solid 2 loads of laundry per day. Doing laundry with a toddler is messy and inefficient — two words I abhor. The effort is there from her but the skills aren’t. Unfortunately by the time Bailey has acquired the skills to properly fold she will have no interest in doing so.

3. Cleanliness. I absolutely love a clean home. The smell of bleach turns me on, and clean floors is ecstasy. With kids and dogs both are impossible for more than one hour. I try so hard. But between Bailey’s scooter carving a dirt track and the dogs dragging whatever clings to their paws it will never happen.  Michaela moving to solid foods only adds to the funk on the floor. I have actually deemed floors clean when the dogs lick up the food the kids leave. Even worse? When I am in a hurry I just push the extra crumbs off the counter onto the floor so the dogs can help me.

4. Enjoyment of coffee. Prior to 9am I do the following: Feed dogs. Clean up dog poop. Feed baby. Clean up baby poop or pee. Make chocolate milk for toddler. Bottle for baby. Encourage poop and pee in toilet for aforementioned toddler. Return work emails. Attempt to clean kitchen and pick up toys from night prior. Conference call. Wash bottles…. you get the idea. Guess what? I make coffee and usually microwave it 2-3 times because I just don’t have time to drink it while it’s hot.

5. Personal Grooming. As a fairly high maintenance gal I have always carved out a large amount of time for “upkeep”. Prior to children my nightly ritual included a hair mask, face mask.. heck even rejuvenating gloves on a good night. I needed 30 minutes to brush, tweeze, moisturize, and decompress before bed. Fast forward 3 years and I am lucky if I get 3 minutes. My toddler micro manages every personal ritual I have to the point I have to make up stories to keep her at bay. I told her if she touches me when I spray tan her whole body will turn orange.  She thinks bronzer is fairy dust that can only be applied on holidays. Convincing her not to use my über expensive face cream as her body lotion is a lengthy argument.

In Public:

1. Coffee and restaurants.  The drive through is a life saver for a mom.  If you don’t have children, it may not have occurred to you that infants may finally be sleeping, toddlers are reading, and for a moment chaos is controlled. That being said, I get angry when the drive though line is long with one person in their car. Seriously?? If I am by myself I will gladly walk my latte driven ass into the Starbucks to order a coffee.

2. Nice restaurants. Before kids Mike and I would choose restaurants based on the food and wine and didn’t think about whether it was family friendly. Having children means fancy restaurants are a waste. Yep, I said it.  People are always telling me they take their kids to upscale restaurants and it’s great, the kids were well-behaved blah blah.  Fine dining is fabulous sans kids and this is why. My children are well dressed. My toddler is polite and charming. Guess what? She is still a toddler.  My idea of a fabulous dining experience includes multiple courses, invigorating conversation and a bottle (or two) of wine. I have never met small children who have a pallette for imported cheese and prefer to be silent for two hours.

3. Errands. Everyone has errands. I have always been a person of numerous errands on a weekly basis. Some of these are choice related. For example, I prefer Trader Joe’s for beverages and snacks, Farmers market for veggies and salsa and Ralph’s for our day-to-day essentials. My dry cleaner is great but I prefer a different alterations person. You get the idea. Doing errands with children takes FOREVER. Instead of running from place to place everything has to be an adventure. I listen to myself narrating the errands and I even convince myself: it sounds awesome. Couple that with the gear, diaper changes for the inevitable poop blowout, special surprises for being good and three stops will take all afternoon.

4. Meeting for coffee/lunch. I love meeting my girlfriends for breakfast. It is one of my favorite times to catch up and there is an energy and earnestness that comes from meeting up late morning.  But, coordinating the tiniest get together is a BEAST. Before kids, meeting for coffee or lunch was an after thought. Having kids completely changes the cavalier meet up. It takes coordination of a sitter/partner days in advance. If a partner isn’t involved then it costs a ton of money.  I recently told one of my best girlfriends the cost of us “lunching” and she was aghast — and that didn’t include the cost of the lunch itself.

5. Leisure anything. I am in a hurry every moment of my life. I don’t browse. I don’t stop for lunch with the exception of a sandwich to go. I tap my foot impatiently when the person in front of me chooses to be indecisive or holds up a line. My heart speeds up when someone causes a delay. I take it personally when someone causes and delay and want to say, “Don’t you know how much I have to do today? Hurry Up!!” I can’t help it; as a mom with a career someone ALWAYS needs something.

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Looking at this list, I can’t help but giggle.  Two of my dearest friends, Megan and Molly are always asking me what it’s like to be a mom….. when they read this they will surely rejoice they are without children.  What is crazy to me is how children can provide the biggest annoyance and a surge of happiness in a 2 minute period. Bailey was in the backseat today and was calling me. I turned around and she said, “Mommy, you are beautiful. I love you.” When our baby wakes and begins fussing I go into her room. As soon as she sees me she gives me the biggest smile. It melts me. I will take the chaos of my life any day.

Happy Mother’s Day to the fabulous moms who read our blog!

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