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Archive for the tag “toddlers”

Who Pooped In The Tub ?

Monday is bath night for our girls.

Bath nights are every other night and the kids get their hair washed, body scrubbed and are allowed to play with the obligatory toys cluttering my once pristine bathtub.  The whole process takes about 20-40 minutes depending on who is in charge.  Dad is infinitely quicker but his attention to detail does not compare with mom 😉 .

It’s easy right?

Some nights Mike and I choose to make the girls their dinner first then eat after they are in bed.  We are at our limit of Mac n Cheese and Turkey Dogs(never thought it would happen).  Plus not shovelling food in and having a conversation is a nice break from the chaos of full family dinner. Mike was planning to BBQ spicy sausage mixed with Caribbean Rice – Delish! Neither kiddo would be impressed so we went with the “kids before parent’s plan.”

They ate their turkey dogs. Drank their applesauce pouch. Sipped Chocolate milk. Refused veggies.  Bath Time!

What could go wrong? After all we are pros at our nightly ritual.

Mike and I put the girls in the bathtub and launched into auto pilot.  Both little people are clean and Mike pulls out Michaela (our 1.5 year old) and gets her ready for bed.  While lotioning Michaela, Bailey(4.5 year old) starts screaming. “There is POOOOOOP in the tub! Mom?!! Come quick there is poop in the tub!!!”

There is a large deuce floating in the tub. A colon cobra slithering in the sudsy jungle.  One ominous brown floater sashaying its way through the bubbles and toys.  It was chasing Bailey. I was sure of it.  She squealed and bounded out of the bathtub.

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I have heard of this. I know it happens. I just didn’t think it would happen to us.  On house keeper day. My freaking bathtub is finally clean and there is a sphincter spear hovering.

Dry Vomit first.

Then move to success driven execution. Both girls are hustled to the shower.  We repeat cleaning measures. Actually we doubled up on cleaning measures.

Then the bathtub. There are bubbles everywhere.  I have to push bubbles aside to find the turd and scoop it out with a bag. Then I bleached. And bleached.  What about the bath toys? Are they safe?  My germ paranoia was sliding off the Richter scale and visions of poop contamination were taking over.

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Just when my crazy thought train was chugging out of control Bailey interrupted my thoughts.

“Guys, I can’t believe Lucy or Elway thought my bathtub was the toilet! Bad Puppies!”

Bailey actually believed one of our dogs pooped in her bathtub(Logistics?).  I can’t handle it. I laugh until I snort. There is no way we will ever tell her that her sister pooped while in the bath with her.  Bailey was so annoyed the dogs got confused and pooped in HER bathtub.  If she knew it was Michaela….. well I just don’t know how that would go.

The bathtub is disinfected. The kids are clean. The dogs have been reprimanded in front of Bailey(and given cookies for not telling after she went to bed).

Just another Monday.

UPDATE…. Tuesday, 7:45am

As I was proofing this to post Bailey interrupted me.

“Mom next time it is bath night can I just take a shower?”

8 Realistic Clues You Might Be An Adult.

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I am a sucker for articles with lists. When I was younger I would eagerly turn to the “5 signs he is into you” article in Cosmo.  After I was engaged I clicked every “10 ways to have a happy marriage” and “6 tricks to look fabulous”… I would be lying if I said I hadn’t peeked at the “10 signs you are an extrovert”, “20 ways to live a zen life” and countless other blogs promising to help me understand myself my kids and the universe in a simple amount of steps. (Above picture is from one of my favorite blogs about Becoming an adult)

Most of the time I really enjoy the orderly fashion of explaining the subject at hand. However I have come across a common theme in list making articles.  They are constantly using boring generalizations or obvious points.  Recently I was reading an article telling me the signs of being an adult. Examples included:

  • You have a resume with more job skills than a Subway sandwich artist
  • You have a bank account
  • You have internet, water and gas bills set up in your name

Guess what? If you don’t have a resume or a bank account you are simply a loser.  Having actual bills and a few dollars in the bank does not mean you are an adult. It means you have moved past the age of 18.

That being said, I have come smack in the face with the realization … wait for it…. I MIGHT be a bit of an adult.  I am shocked at this newfound reality but a few clues have encouraged me to look further into the possibility.

If you are like me and have had a bank account a car and a job way before one would ever consider you an adult my list might be more your speed.

1. Smoke – Last week I came around the corner to our kitchen and there were puffs of smoke billowing in the air.  Over the years there have been various types of smoke wafting through my car, my house, my sorority parking lot. Heck there may have been a few public bathrooms, concerts and walks in the park with a smoky haze.  None of the aforementioned types were emitting smoke in my house.

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Instead the source of my glorious smoke rings mimicking Snoop Dog’s man cave was a diffuser. With essential oils. The current blend is Doterra’s Elevation blend which paired with coffee does wonders for my energy level.  It isn’t illegal or only for people 18 and over.  My smoking kitchen is actually healthy and good for me.

2. Glitter – I absolutely adore sparkles.  Glitter, Swarovksi, Diamonds… love them all.  Makeup with glitter was integral in my going out arsenal for years.  You know who else likes glitter? Exotic dancers, go-go dancers, bottle service hostesses and plenty of female bartenders (And male in some neighborhoods).  All of which I encountered often while starting my career in the liquor industry and having a very active social life.  Now that I am a corporate gal I don’t frequent my venues at night nearly as much as I did when I was younger.  This morning, Mike had glitter on his forehead.  For a fleeting moment I felt confused.  What did we do last night? Where did we go? Am I hungover? After a moment I quickly remembered the reality. We didn’t go anywhere, I was not hungover and I did not have remnants of glitter eye makeup on my face.

The source of the party glitter?

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Mike had helped Bailey open her newest mini My Little Pony containing Junebug and played with her and the other ponies on the floor the night prior. She is currently my favorite pony. For obvious reasons.

3. Vomit – I may have purged from alcohol once or twice in my youth.  It recently came to my attention I have only dealt with my own vomit during pregnancy or illness for quite some time.  The past few puke incidents were dog related and my vom drama last week was whether or not my sick toddler would hurl.  Further, vomit isn’t as repulsive as it used to be. I am not afraid to clean up other’s vomit and have actually put together a game plan for when Bailey has her first puke.  I even have a blue kitchen bowl delineated for bedside when the time comes.

4. Dirty Movies – I don’t have a lot of time to watch movies but when I do I like a good R rated movie as much as the next girl.  I used to get so annoyed when USA or FOX would play a favorite movie because the cuss words became ridiculous terms no one would actually use.  After all, booger flinger and dang jerky jerk just don’t cut it in Pulp Fiction.

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Guess what? I am thrilled when USA plays my favorite movies now because it is edited and all the cuss words turn into words my toddler can repeat. Yay! A break from Babies First TV and La La Loopsy to watch Bridesmaids!  Further, when Bailey looks at me and says poop or booger I feel like the coolest mom ever for being so responsible.  MY child didn’t say shit!!

5. Spices – I lived with roommates and on my own for almost 10 years.  During that time I had everything from a huge kitchen to a barely functioning stove and refrigerator crammed into the size of a closet.  Luckily, my parents gave me their old pots and pans and silverware.  I had matching glasses and two matching plates so I could easily host macaroni and cheese for two.  Fast forward to present day and now not only do I have matching plates and bowls, but I have casserole dishes and neat serving trays for chips and dips and just about any appetizer.  While kitchen items seem like an “adulty” thing to have they really don’t represent being an adult.  Often your kitchen was the recipient of one’s wedding registry and the fancy mixing bowl stays in a box.  However, I recently noticed a person who has a shitload of spices might be an adult. I try new recipes for my family weekly and have approached the glorious place not necessitating an extra trip to the grocery store for the spice.  I have SO many spices I can actually make a new recipe without a special trip.  I don’t know about you but this is a huge advancement in my kitchen maturity level!

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Before you get too excited about my blooming adulthood you should know I stole the Red Robin seasoning. In my diaper bag.

6. Swimsuits – My favorite swimsuit is a tiny bedazzled bikini with tie strings.  Shockingly enough it is also my husband’s favorite.  I have a lot of bikinis. Before you roll your eyes please remember we live in San Diego and have always vacationed in tropical locations.  Last summer I wore what I had deemed boring bikini (black swimsuit, no patterns and no frills) to Legoland Water Park.  I quickly realized only a few other women were wearing bikinis and they fell into three categories.

A. Single and ready to mingle mommies with newly purchased boobs.blogbikini     B. Uber hip moms who wanted everyone to know where their latest tattoo or piercing was.

blogbikini5     C. Fitness obsessed moms touting their overly toned bodies.

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I am none of these. One lone mom in a two piece looked my direction and we shared a nod of understanding. We were the two left who weren’t looking for a new husband, didn’t have perfect abs or had had our necks pierced with the newest bar bell triple trend. Ugh. I bought a tankini for the kids water parks because I don’t want to be the slutty mom.  Before you send me an enraged note telling me that you are fabulous and belong to one the above 3 categories, take the point of emerging adulthood. Of course I am rocking my bikini at other places and you should too.  But when I was younger I would have never noticed the appropriateness of my attire and would have assumed the side eye was jealousy, not pity for my lack of self awareness.

7. MLM (multi level marketing) – When I think of MLM’s I think of my mom’s friend who always had Avon samples at her house for me to play with.   My childhood was built on purchased Tupperware and stinky candles my mom had bought at yet another party (probably wine fueled and being a good friend).  Fast forward 20 years and I am everyone’s target MLM customer.  The past month alone I have been asked to host three different parties for jewelry, clothing  and essential oils.  I am not sure which of these clued me in I might be adultlike… is it the fact that I know so many people doing MLM (almost always stay at home moms) or that I have a home equipped to adequately handle parties? Before now the only parties I hosted were staff events to polish off the leftover booze from past programs.

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8. Being reliable – The reason for this article actually revolves around this point.  Our toddler has been sick for the past week and I have been a mess. I don’t care about anything other than making sure she is ok. She tells me she needs me and we have conversations about dumb shit in the middle of the night. I didn’t sleep much last week because I was freaked about her temp. I am really tired but when she looks at me or calls my name I pop up like a person who has been sleeping for weeks.  All week she would wrap herself around me and get really upset if I went anywhere.  On about the 3rd night of her fever she looked at me and said for the 50th time,”Mommy I love you. Please keep snuggling me. Don’t leave ok?”  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  She actually thinks I am strong and powerful and have it together.  I am HER safety.  I am HER adult. I couldn’t believe it.

It was at that moment I knew I would never miss any moment my girls need me. I will pretend to be strong and confident and all-knowing.  I think this makes me sort of an adult.

Happy Wednesday 🙂

xo

Mari

Kids and dogs get in the way.

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Last week our second child turned 6 months old. So we have a 6 month old, a 3 1/2 year old and two dogs(see this post about downsizing for why we have two, rather than three). It is a full house and it completely gets in the way of being efficient.

Last night Mike took the dogs with him to pick up burritos and both of the girls fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it. I am alone. With the opportunity to do anything, I chose making the bed and a glass of wine. I forgot how easy making the bed is without a frisky puppy and an overzealous toddler playing parachute with each layer.  In the few moments of glorious silence my mind began to think about how time consuming and arduous the simplest tasks are.  Activities I used to take for granted now require organization and planning.  Whether you have children, aspire to do so, or just relish in the fact you will always be responsibility free I put together a list anyone can appreciate.

At Home:

1. Going to the bathroom. I never thought I would be the kind of girl who left the bathroom door open. With kids and dogs it is a necessity. Recently I closed the door and Lucy (our Maltese) started scratching within seconds, Bailey (our toddler) started banging on the door asking where I was and why I closed the door.

2. Heightened interest in bodily functions. Furthering #1 my home has become an “elimination check in”.  As if having dogs and kids in the bathroom with you isn’t bad enough, Bailey insists on knowing what type of excretion I am leaving. “Mommy, are you pooping or peeing or both? Let me see!!” If I blow my nose, “Mommy, did you have boogers”? The inquisition does not stop at me.  Bailey wants me to know when she poops, when Daddy poops, and checks to see if our baby has pooped or peed. It is mortifying and disgusting. Lately she has turned to the “tooting” (our acceptable word for ripping ass) inquisition and calls out anyone who discreetly passes gas.  Yesterday she told our neighbor that I am stinky and toot all the time.  Shameful.

3. Laundry. When Bailey turned 3 the multiple outfit changes began. She prefers to change her underwear after every bathroom visit and an entire ensemble change is necessary at least twice per day. Couple that with baby Michaela’s drool ridden onesies and we have a solid 2 loads of laundry per day. Doing laundry with a toddler is messy and inefficient — two words I abhor. The effort is there from her but the skills aren’t. Unfortunately by the time Bailey has acquired the skills to properly fold she will have no interest in doing so.

3. Cleanliness. I absolutely love a clean home. The smell of bleach turns me on, and clean floors is ecstasy. With kids and dogs both are impossible for more than one hour. I try so hard. But between Bailey’s scooter carving a dirt track and the dogs dragging whatever clings to their paws it will never happen.  Michaela moving to solid foods only adds to the funk on the floor. I have actually deemed floors clean when the dogs lick up the food the kids leave. Even worse? When I am in a hurry I just push the extra crumbs off the counter onto the floor so the dogs can help me.

4. Enjoyment of coffee. Prior to 9am I do the following: Feed dogs. Clean up dog poop. Feed baby. Clean up baby poop or pee. Make chocolate milk for toddler. Bottle for baby. Encourage poop and pee in toilet for aforementioned toddler. Return work emails. Attempt to clean kitchen and pick up toys from night prior. Conference call. Wash bottles…. you get the idea. Guess what? I make coffee and usually microwave it 2-3 times because I just don’t have time to drink it while it’s hot.

5. Personal Grooming. As a fairly high maintenance gal I have always carved out a large amount of time for “upkeep”. Prior to children my nightly ritual included a hair mask, face mask.. heck even rejuvenating gloves on a good night. I needed 30 minutes to brush, tweeze, moisturize, and decompress before bed. Fast forward 3 years and I am lucky if I get 3 minutes. My toddler micro manages every personal ritual I have to the point I have to make up stories to keep her at bay. I told her if she touches me when I spray tan her whole body will turn orange.  She thinks bronzer is fairy dust that can only be applied on holidays. Convincing her not to use my über expensive face cream as her body lotion is a lengthy argument.

In Public:

1. Coffee and restaurants.  The drive through is a life saver for a mom.  If you don’t have children, it may not have occurred to you that infants may finally be sleeping, toddlers are reading, and for a moment chaos is controlled. That being said, I get angry when the drive though line is long with one person in their car. Seriously?? If I am by myself I will gladly walk my latte driven ass into the Starbucks to order a coffee.

2. Nice restaurants. Before kids Mike and I would choose restaurants based on the food and wine and didn’t think about whether it was family friendly. Having children means fancy restaurants are a waste. Yep, I said it.  People are always telling me they take their kids to upscale restaurants and it’s great, the kids were well-behaved blah blah.  Fine dining is fabulous sans kids and this is why. My children are well dressed. My toddler is polite and charming. Guess what? She is still a toddler.  My idea of a fabulous dining experience includes multiple courses, invigorating conversation and a bottle (or two) of wine. I have never met small children who have a pallette for imported cheese and prefer to be silent for two hours.

3. Errands. Everyone has errands. I have always been a person of numerous errands on a weekly basis. Some of these are choice related. For example, I prefer Trader Joe’s for beverages and snacks, Farmers market for veggies and salsa and Ralph’s for our day-to-day essentials. My dry cleaner is great but I prefer a different alterations person. You get the idea. Doing errands with children takes FOREVER. Instead of running from place to place everything has to be an adventure. I listen to myself narrating the errands and I even convince myself: it sounds awesome. Couple that with the gear, diaper changes for the inevitable poop blowout, special surprises for being good and three stops will take all afternoon.

4. Meeting for coffee/lunch. I love meeting my girlfriends for breakfast. It is one of my favorite times to catch up and there is an energy and earnestness that comes from meeting up late morning.  But, coordinating the tiniest get together is a BEAST. Before kids, meeting for coffee or lunch was an after thought. Having kids completely changes the cavalier meet up. It takes coordination of a sitter/partner days in advance. If a partner isn’t involved then it costs a ton of money.  I recently told one of my best girlfriends the cost of us “lunching” and she was aghast — and that didn’t include the cost of the lunch itself.

5. Leisure anything. I am in a hurry every moment of my life. I don’t browse. I don’t stop for lunch with the exception of a sandwich to go. I tap my foot impatiently when the person in front of me chooses to be indecisive or holds up a line. My heart speeds up when someone causes a delay. I take it personally when someone causes and delay and want to say, “Don’t you know how much I have to do today? Hurry Up!!” I can’t help it; as a mom with a career someone ALWAYS needs something.

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Looking at this list, I can’t help but giggle.  Two of my dearest friends, Megan and Molly are always asking me what it’s like to be a mom….. when they read this they will surely rejoice they are without children.  What is crazy to me is how children can provide the biggest annoyance and a surge of happiness in a 2 minute period. Bailey was in the backseat today and was calling me. I turned around and she said, “Mommy, you are beautiful. I love you.” When our baby wakes and begins fussing I go into her room. As soon as she sees me she gives me the biggest smile. It melts me. I will take the chaos of my life any day.

Happy Mother’s Day to the fabulous moms who read our blog!

I Bought it. You should too.

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Since beginning my “Just the tip” series, I have had quite a few people tell me they really like it.  Apparently, homes have much better lighting (See this post) tangles are manageable (Click for tangles) and people are faking the hell out of entertaining (Click for hosting tips).

To be honest, I would love to sit around and dole out tips but between my job, kiddos and furry faces I don’t have much free time.  It’s not that I don’t want to blog… it’s just that no one has begun paying me to advise on avoiding bad lighting.

Allow me to introduce my newest series,  “I bought it. You Should too.”

I am constantly finding products that WOW me and I want to share my fab findings! Luckily these awesome products do most of the work for me so it takes a lot less verbiage.  You never know… maybe one of the brands will love me so much they will pay me crazy amounts of money to talk about them 😉  Until then, my “I bought it” series is purely my non sponsored opinion. Which brings me to my first blog about products.

Product: Pledge Multi Surface Everyday Cleaner – antibacterial Citrus Scent

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Cost: About 5 Dollars

Who should buy it:

1. People who don’t like having 5 different types of cleaning products

2. College and 20 somethings who don’t have extra money for non essentials

3. Germaphobes

4. People who have a kitchen and a bathroom

Why it is fabulous:

Today Mike and Bailey (our toddler) spent the afternoon at the park.  Our 6 month old fell asleep before they left and I had the next few hours to myself.  As boring as it sounds I was thrilled to have time to catch up on cleaning while listening to music not deemed G rated. Before you roll your eyes I drank wine throughout my cleaning session.  My biggest goal was to clean our guest bathroom.  Last week our bathroom had flooded necessitating a full demolition of the counters.  I am not exaggerating.  I had a crew of people in the bathroom for two full days ripping out every tile to find the leak then laying concrete and tiling a new countertop.  Everything has been put back together but the bathroom mirror and floors had a layer of dirt.  I started with bleaching the sinks, toilet and counter.  After everything had been thoroughly disinfected I moved on to the mirrors.  UGH. No window cleaner in the house.  Frustrated, I began looking through everything I had and decided on a whim to try the Pledge multi surface.  I was VERY dubious it would work even if it boasted windows on the front.  Holy awesomeness it worked AMAZING and there is not one streak on the mirror. I am so impressed.  When I think of Pledge I think of wood surfaces. In fact, I purchased this product and have only been using it on wood areas.  I am super excited to have a spray that is not only antibacterial but truly works on all surfaces. I tried it on my stainless steel stove top and POOF – no streaks!  This is a must have 🙂 AND, its antibacterial!

Happy Pledging!!

xo Mari

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