I am a sucker for articles with lists. When I was younger I would eagerly turn to the “5 signs he is into you” article in Cosmo. After I was engaged I clicked every “10 ways to have a happy marriage” and “6 tricks to look fabulous”… I would be lying if I said I hadn’t peeked at the “10 signs you are an extrovert”, “20 ways to live a zen life” and countless other blogs promising to help me understand myself my kids and the universe in a simple amount of steps. (Above picture is from one of my favorite blogs about Becoming an adult)
Most of the time I really enjoy the orderly fashion of explaining the subject at hand. However I have come across a common theme in list making articles. They are constantly using boring generalizations or obvious points. Recently I was reading an article telling me the signs of being an adult. Examples included:
- You have a resume with more job skills than a Subway sandwich artist
- You have a bank account
- You have internet, water and gas bills set up in your name
Guess what? If you don’t have a resume or a bank account you are simply a loser. Having actual bills and a few dollars in the bank does not mean you are an adult. It means you have moved past the age of 18.
That being said, I have come smack in the face with the realization … wait for it…. I MIGHT be a bit of an adult. I am shocked at this newfound reality but a few clues have encouraged me to look further into the possibility.
If you are like me and have had a bank account a car and a job way before one would ever consider you an adult my list might be more your speed.
1. Smoke – Last week I came around the corner to our kitchen and there were puffs of smoke billowing in the air. Over the years there have been various types of smoke wafting through my car, my house, my sorority parking lot. Heck there may have been a few public bathrooms, concerts and walks in the park with a smoky haze. None of the aforementioned types were emitting smoke in my house.
Instead the source of my glorious smoke rings mimicking Snoop Dog’s man cave was a diffuser. With essential oils. The current blend is Doterra’s Elevation blend which paired with coffee does wonders for my energy level. It isn’t illegal or only for people 18 and over. My smoking kitchen is actually healthy and good for me.
2. Glitter – I absolutely adore sparkles. Glitter, Swarovksi, Diamonds… love them all. Makeup with glitter was integral in my going out arsenal for years. You know who else likes glitter? Exotic dancers, go-go dancers, bottle service hostesses and plenty of female bartenders (And male in some neighborhoods). All of which I encountered often while starting my career in the liquor industry and having a very active social life. Now that I am a corporate gal I don’t frequent my venues at night nearly as much as I did when I was younger. This morning, Mike had glitter on his forehead. For a fleeting moment I felt confused. What did we do last night? Where did we go? Am I hungover? After a moment I quickly remembered the reality. We didn’t go anywhere, I was not hungover and I did not have remnants of glitter eye makeup on my face.
The source of the party glitter?
Mike had helped Bailey open her newest mini My Little Pony containing Junebug and played with her and the other ponies on the floor the night prior. She is currently my favorite pony. For obvious reasons.
3. Vomit – I may have purged from alcohol once or twice in my youth. It recently came to my attention I have only dealt with my own vomit during pregnancy or illness for quite some time. The past few puke incidents were dog related and my vom drama last week was whether or not my sick toddler would hurl. Further, vomit isn’t as repulsive as it used to be. I am not afraid to clean up other’s vomit and have actually put together a game plan for when Bailey has her first puke. I even have a blue kitchen bowl delineated for bedside when the time comes.
4. Dirty Movies – I don’t have a lot of time to watch movies but when I do I like a good R rated movie as much as the next girl. I used to get so annoyed when USA or FOX would play a favorite movie because the cuss words became ridiculous terms no one would actually use. After all, booger flinger and dang jerky jerk just don’t cut it in Pulp Fiction.
Guess what? I am thrilled when USA plays my favorite movies now because it is edited and all the cuss words turn into words my toddler can repeat. Yay! A break from Babies First TV and La La Loopsy to watch Bridesmaids! Further, when Bailey looks at me and says poop or booger I feel like the coolest mom ever for being so responsible. MY child didn’t say shit!!
5. Spices – I lived with roommates and on my own for almost 10 years. During that time I had everything from a huge kitchen to a barely functioning stove and refrigerator crammed into the size of a closet. Luckily, my parents gave me their old pots and pans and silverware. I had matching glasses and two matching plates so I could easily host macaroni and cheese for two. Fast forward to present day and now not only do I have matching plates and bowls, but I have casserole dishes and neat serving trays for chips and dips and just about any appetizer. While kitchen items seem like an “adulty” thing to have they really don’t represent being an adult. Often your kitchen was the recipient of one’s wedding registry and the fancy mixing bowl stays in a box. However, I recently noticed a person who has a shitload of spices might be an adult. I try new recipes for my family weekly and have approached the glorious place not necessitating an extra trip to the grocery store for the spice. I have SO many spices I can actually make a new recipe without a special trip. I don’t know about you but this is a huge advancement in my kitchen maturity level!
Before you get too excited about my blooming adulthood you should know I stole the Red Robin seasoning. In my diaper bag.
6. Swimsuits – My favorite swimsuit is a tiny bedazzled bikini with tie strings. Shockingly enough it is also my husband’s favorite. I have a lot of bikinis. Before you roll your eyes please remember we live in San Diego and have always vacationed in tropical locations. Last summer I wore what I had deemed boring bikini (black swimsuit, no patterns and no frills) to Legoland Water Park. I quickly realized only a few other women were wearing bikinis and they fell into three categories.
A. Single and ready to mingle mommies with newly purchased boobs. B. Uber hip moms who wanted everyone to know where their latest tattoo or piercing was.
C. Fitness obsessed moms touting their overly toned bodies.
I am none of these. One lone mom in a two piece looked my direction and we shared a nod of understanding. We were the two left who weren’t looking for a new husband, didn’t have perfect abs or had had our necks pierced with the newest bar bell triple trend. Ugh. I bought a tankini for the kids water parks because I don’t want to be the slutty mom. Before you send me an enraged note telling me that you are fabulous and belong to one the above 3 categories, take the point of emerging adulthood. Of course I am rocking my bikini at other places and you should too. But when I was younger I would have never noticed the appropriateness of my attire and would have assumed the side eye was jealousy, not pity for my lack of self awareness.
7. MLM (multi level marketing) – When I think of MLM’s I think of my mom’s friend who always had Avon samples at her house for me to play with. My childhood was built on purchased Tupperware and stinky candles my mom had bought at yet another party (probably wine fueled and being a good friend). Fast forward 20 years and I am everyone’s target MLM customer. The past month alone I have been asked to host three different parties for jewelry, clothing and essential oils. I am not sure which of these clued me in I might be adultlike… is it the fact that I know so many people doing MLM (almost always stay at home moms) or that I have a home equipped to adequately handle parties? Before now the only parties I hosted were staff events to polish off the leftover booze from past programs.
8. Being reliable – The reason for this article actually revolves around this point. Our toddler has been sick for the past week and I have been a mess. I don’t care about anything other than making sure she is ok. She tells me she needs me and we have conversations about dumb shit in the middle of the night. I didn’t sleep much last week because I was freaked about her temp. I am really tired but when she looks at me or calls my name I pop up like a person who has been sleeping for weeks. All week she would wrap herself around me and get really upset if I went anywhere. On about the 3rd night of her fever she looked at me and said for the 50th time,”Mommy I love you. Please keep snuggling me. Don’t leave ok?” It hit me like a ton of bricks. She actually thinks I am strong and powerful and have it together. I am HER safety. I am HER adult. I couldn’t believe it.
It was at that moment I knew I would never miss any moment my girls need me. I will pretend to be strong and confident and all-knowing. I think this makes me sort of an adult.
Happy Wednesday 🙂